Repairing
The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED
She has a parenting book that looks good too: https://www.goodinside.com/book/
All parents yell, no one knows what to do next.
Get good at repair.
What is repair?
The act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledge the impact it had on another.
Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on stay calm even when I’m frustrated.
An Apology?
No, an apology shuts the convesation down. “OK, Im sorry I yelled, can we move on now?”.
A good repair opens up a conversation. Repair assumes there’s been a rupture, to repair you have to mess up of fall short of someones expectations.
What if you don’t repair? Child copes with self-blame.
The kid needs a way to get back to feeling safe and secure. The only coping mechanism they have is self blame.
- “Somethings wrong with me.”
- “I’m unloveable.”
- “I make bad things happen.”
How many kids have dealth with conflict with self-blame after fights with their parents?!
For kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by god, than to live in a world ruled by the devil.
Memory
Memory is original events combined with every other time you’ve remembered that event. This is why therapy is helpful.
When you remember painful experience from your past within a safer, more connected relationship. The event remains but the stry changes
With repair, we are effectively changing the past.
How to Repair
1. Repair with yourself first
separate your identity, who you are, from your behavior, what you did.
“I’m not proud of my latest behavior and my behavior doesn’t define me.”
I’m a good parent (identity), how was having a hard time (behavior).
This mentality doesn’t let you off the hook, put keeps you on the hook.
2. Repair with your child
- Name what happened
- Take responsibility.
- Acknowledge the impact.
- State what you would do different next time.
Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on stay calm even when I’m frustrated.
Replace the childs story of self blame with the story of trust and connection.
not repair - “your fault anyway”
- Sorry I yelled, but if you wouldn’t have done that it wouldn’t have happened
- You need to be grateful, so you wont get yelled at.
This doesn’t build reconnection
These insinuates that the child caused your emotional reaction. Which isn’t true and it’s not a model of emotion regulation that we want to pass on to the next generation.
Benefits to Repair
Repair is a skill, that your child can learn from you.
- Adult children wont spiral in self blame for making a mistake
- Adult children won’t take blame for other’s mistakes.
- They will know how to take responsibility for their behavior because you’ve modeled how you take responsibility for yours.
Now that you’ve reconnected, you can do something very impactful by teaching them a skill, that actually changes their child.
Never Too Late to Repair
Imagine getting a letter from your dead parents or a call from your parents after a long time, explaining that they were wrong for the way the handled something that was very traumatic, and excusing you from assuming the blame. Very powerful.
